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Expert Q Coping with an Ill Partner
Q: My partner's become withdrawn since being diagnosed with a serious illness. What should I do?
A: Despite all the advancements in medicine, most of us are still terrified to hear words such as cancer, tumor, incurable, inoperable, experimental, drug resistant, radiation, and chemotherapy. After the initial shock of a diagnosis sets in, we then have to cope with the physical, financial, and emotional factors about illness, disability, and death. As one of my clients said, "The finances are the finances by hook or by crook you work it out but dealing with my spouse's dealings with illness weighed on me the most."
There are numerous books about coping with illness and death. For example, most recently, The Last Lecture, by Carnegie Mellon University's Computer Science Professor Randy Pausch, is an inspirational book about his coping with deadly pancreatic cancer. I strongly recommend reading any inspirational book that helps you and your family face illness.
But, often, after reading these kinds of books, it is difficult to apply your enlightenment to your daily life. I am no stranger to the existential, psychological, and family affects of terminal illness my mother died jordan 11 Gamma Blue when she was young. But I am not here to write about that. Lately, however, I've been counseling couples whose biggest struggles are just like the ones in the question: How do I deal with my partner's reactions to illness?"
After your partner receives the diagnosis and research treatment options, your job as the partner is just beginning. You not only have to grapple with finances and insurance companies, you must also face how and what you will tell the family and how you will deal with your partner's reactions. Here is a brief guide to coping with illness in your intimate partner.
1. Stay present emotionally. Often, the ill person shuts down emotionally. "Going inward" is a common and usually very valuable state of mind. Problems arise, however, when the person withdraws so much that you don't know how to respond. One solution is NOT to let your partner's withdrawal make you retreat, too. You may not be the one who is ill, but you are a vital team player in the experience. Tell your partner what's on your mind and say that it's okay if he or she "just listens." Don't tiptoe around the issue.
2. Decide together who should know. I am not in favor of family secrets. Yet, I have counseled families who have chosen, for example, not to tell ailing Grandpa. Gamma Blue 11s for sale I urge you to get grief and family counseling to discuss the advisability of not informing family members. Death and illness are family affairs. Ill people are entitled to manage their own death, but it is wise to let the person know that other family members might want to say good bye and resolve nagging issues. Paradoxically, illness can be an opportunity for family closeness.
3. Plan your family announcements and include clarity and assurance. If children of any age are part of your family, explain the financial changes such as selling the house or needint to get college loans, for example. Discuss the course of the illness and the treatment side effects. Family members want to know what to expect and that there is someone in charge.
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